i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize