i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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