it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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