You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
