Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
