Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
