I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize