I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
