SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
