Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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