During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
