maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
