Life is so much better after having sex.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
