So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
