if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
