They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
