you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
