"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
