just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
