Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
