It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
