I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
