even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
