my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
