i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
