I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
