i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
