i was born a porn star she said
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
