the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
