Don't make out with my wife yet
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
