I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
