at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
