shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Terrible idea I love it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
