i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He better not be in your backpack
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize