Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
