The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
