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my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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