they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
