apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
