he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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