That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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