I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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