I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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