My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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