dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
