Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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