I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
