I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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