I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
