Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
