this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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