he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
