i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
