If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
