My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
