im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
