Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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