Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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