Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
