...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
