If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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