woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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