today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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