Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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