Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
