so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
