i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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