I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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