living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
