The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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