I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
